View In Blue: RANTRANTRANT

I Am Oh-So Snazzy

2009-02-21T09:57:00.002-06:00

So, yeah. I am incredibly amazing. Beyond amazing. Perfect, even. I'm also horribly bored and Neopets and my email don't work right now for some stupid reason. I also have DI today. That makes me sad. Since I know you guys all love me - as proven by the harassment I get every day at school - you should give me some money so I can go buy some coffee or something.
It was supposed to snow today. That makes me gloooomy. Because it didn't.
What would you guys think about a NEW MOON UNCUT? I'm feeling inspired - I showed Twilight Uncut to my dad's book agents recently! But my grandfather didn't get it.
My new clothing line will be coming out soon, somewhat inspired by Molly, of all people. Because scene dinos say xXrAwRXx. And I still enjoy mocking successful emo bloggers.
Huzzah!

Neopets

2009-02-10T14:21:00.001-06:00

My new glorious addiction. Click on these and I will reward you. Join, activate, be happy.

Twilight Uncut

2009-01-31T13:46:00.005-06:00

Here it is, finally: TWILIGHT UNCUT. Please enjoy.

I Need Sleep

2009-01-19T12:16:00.000-06:00

Just a brief update for those of you who happen to have nothing better to do than read this....

Somehow, my 100 hit celebration was forgotten about, a side effect of 300+ hits. I think I'll put up the video of Molly giving scene dancing lessons anyway, though, and Twilight Puppet Pals are always a possibility.
Don't be afraid, my brainwashed legions. You have not been cast aside. You shall still be rewarded with something even better.

That's right, sometime in the next week, I will be very proud to present the first release from View in Blue Film Productions*, TWILIGHT UNCUT. This is a film gathered from the cutting room floor of Summit Entertainment (it took me like 10 minutes Googling to figure out what studio did Twilight). These are all the scenes you didn't see in the movie, and a few that apparently were in there, though I haven't seen it yet. Filmed at about 2 in the morning, this is the one movie that will change your life forever. Not only is the film and sound quality amazing, TWILIGHT UNCUT guest-stars NOS energy drink, is full of wonderful improve dialogue, has stunning multiple sets, and lets you see Rosalie Cullen with a five o'clock shadow.

Coming soon to a blog near you, TWILIGHT UNCUT.

*Isn't [fake] marketing fun? Buy my CD - VIB Records - and novel - VIB Publishers - and key chains - VIB Random Crap.

The One Remaining Bit Of Hope We Have

2009-01-15T13:55:00.002-06:00

Today I learned that we are all going to die a horrible death in 2012. This made me very sad. It also raised the question of why I must go to school until I die. Well, it must be to learn a way to save our planet!

Oh no.

Our fate rests in the hands of the morons I go to school with? Terrifying. You should all be scared too. Is there no hope? No salvation? WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

There can only be one solution. I call it...Pearls Before Swine.

That sound familiar to anyone? Yes, it's the name of the current modern great of the comic world. I'm sure we're all tired of those comics like Nancy and For Better Or For Worse. But now we have Pearls! This comic will save us from the apocalypse! There can only be one solution, and Stephan Pastis is it.

I also like to believe that I am Rat's brain twin. It's possible.

But what are we to do, you ask? I present Rat with the answer.

For a limited time only, you can buy a window - attached to a very attractive hat, to save your hands the work - for just $19.95 + S&H. These are only available from me, so act quickly. This window will keep that nasty end-of-the-world away!

Have a nice day.

Disney Is So Confusing

2009-01-14T19:26:00.002-06:00

So, lately we've been on a Lilo and Stitch kick in my house. That means we've rented every movie and watched it in the past three days. Now, some would say Lilo and Stitch is a movie about friendship and overcoming diversity and other people's dislike.
Yeah right.
This movie is clearly about being so depressed and lonely that it generates hallucinations. The plot is almost the same as any other recent Disney movie: parentless child saves the world and makes friends. The only difference in this movie is the aliens. These include the obese evil genius and the cross-dressing one-eyed thing. Lilo is a miserable, weird kid who has an ugly doll and lives with her inattentive sister. She also has no friends and plays with voodoo dolls. Soon she begins to lose her mind, and believes that her dog is an alien. The plot continues in a pretty traditional way from that point.
It's the same disgusting thing children are force-fed these days.

However, it's pretty hilarious. I LOVE these movies.

Maybe I should become a critic - at least, an official one.

So out of 10 skulls, this movie gets 7.

Have a nice Disney force-fed day.

MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

2009-01-12T14:00:00.001-06:00

So, just for the fun of it, I Googled my blog. Because that's how cool I am. (Right now I'm supposed to be in class, but I get to skip for the next month.)

And guess what? The Google search "View in Blue" blog brought me up at number 3! NUMBER 3! I am so famous, I'm like...a rock star! And if you Google "View in Blue" then...I'm just number 21. Can we please get me in some page refreshing here, people? I will so be number 1 by the end of the month. (And, because Google gets mad if you're asked to page refresh, then do it for the sake of looking at the little typewriter with the funny slogans!

See? I wasn't lying!

2009-01-10T18:50:00.000-06:00

Ookay, had to share this real quick:

It updates every 30 seconds with a new hysterical slogan. My favorites?

"View in Blue for president."

"View in Blue takes care of you."

"I lost weight with View in Blue."

and

"View in Blue, pure lust."

Keep refreshing to enjoy a new slogan full of fun!

(By the way, View in Blue is my blog name [because it rhymes, and I secretly want to be partially colorblind]. In case you didn't realize.)

I Don't Hate Anberlin...

2009-01-05T18:17:00.000-06:00

...because they rock my face off. I get to go see them at Rocketown on Wednesday! Huzzah! And you don't! (Actually, you might...but I know at least two people reading this who don't!)

So yeah. They rock.

Yup.

Intermission - Christmas

2008-12-26T17:53:00.000-06:00

So, taking a break from Twilight week, I had to share one Christmas present I received that was totally amazing. Sure, it may be boring for all of you, but I just had to take a picture of it.

New guitar!

I've been playing an acoustic guitar for about 2 years now and been wanting an electric for just as long. Finally, the most beautiful instrument ever (I'm a bit biased) belongs to me! My very own Fender Squier! My preciousss....

How loud does the amp go, now?

I've been driving my family crazy all day with as much volume and distortion as I could get. It's not the best amp, according to my father, but it's pretty loud! Loving it. I plan on being annoying and loud from now on. I even get to bring it to my grandfather's over vacation! That should get me yelled at some.

Just had to share. Sorry.

By the way...go listen to Forgive Durden. They're really talented and made an amazing concept album that needs attention!

Happy holidays!

I Hate Twilight: Part 2

2008-12-23T19:26:00.000-06:00

This part of Twilight-hate will be featuring some comics I made on Paint ALL DAY today. I didn't learn from Sonic Man, I guess, because I suck on Paint. It wasn't really worth it. But enjoy!

(click the pictures to see them larger)

WHY STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOUCHED VAMPIRES

ONE OF THE MANY WONDERS OF THE WORLD

WHAT'S WITH THE "TEAMS", ANYWAY?

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED

And, finally, a guest comic from the one and only raving lunatic known as MOLLY!

As I said, this took all day. It left me a babbling, idiotic mess, and making comics about potatoes. Very disturbing.

I Hate Twilight

2008-12-22T15:04:00.000-06:00

I know I haven’t really gotten around to Twilight week, but it will start in earnest today. It should be fun, fun, fun. Of course, as my food blog post got me an annoyed food blogger, I’m sure this will get me some upset Twilight fans (oh no….what if there are Twilight bloggers?). I don’t care. They won’t be able to offer me an intelligent argument, since they’re all 12 years old and talk like this:

“omfg edward is lyke ttly my s3cr3t l0v3r! hes so hOTT. im marrying h!m!”

Yuck. I can’t stand them. Any Twilight fans who can type in English won’t be prosecuted, though, and I would like to have an intelligent discussion with them.

Anyway.

Today’s blog is devoted to the first book! The one, the only, the awful…TWILIGHT!

Why don’t I like it? There are many, many reasons. One would be Bella’s name. Beautiful Swan. It couldn’t get cheesier. Let’s just name her Mary Sue or The Protagonist and get it over with!
Another reason would be the fact that there are about three places in the book where it reads ‘“Edward blah blah blah,” Bella said.’ Stephenie Meyer insists on using every disgusting adverb she can think of to describe the way they say something. The way Edward speaks is always an intense murmur, and Jacob likes to fervently exclaim. If there are none of those, then there’s always an annoying action afterwards which is completely unnecessary.
The next reason would be that while the plot, though outlandish, is acceptable, almost all of it is made up of gag-worthy descriptions of Edward. By the end, you’re positively sick of hearing about his fervent butterscotch eyes, the way he looks like “he stepped out of a hair-gel commercial” and flawless marble skin. For one thing, he sounds extremely ugly and like a pain in the…neck – cold hard skin (what’s attractive about that?), yellow eyes, a creepy smile, moody angst, and abusive tendencies. Bella likes it, though, so now children are brainwashed.
My final reason would be Chapter 13. I just can’t get past it when I try and reread Twilight so I can rant about it. Really, is it important to tell us that he’s incandescent and iridescent in the same paragraph? And scintillating – Stephenie, put up the thesaurus! It’s sickening!

There you go. In a nutshell, I hate it because it’s the worst writing I’ve ever had the displeasure to read. I know at least one person in 8th grade who can write better than that. The characters are cliché, and it’s an unrealistic plot (how many ‘perfect’ [not counting abusive Edward] relationships do you get in high school?).

Again, anyway.

If you haven’t read it, this is your warning.

Tomorrow, we’ll present a comedic take on this awful book to make up for the boring post today!

I Hate The Twilight Series

2008-12-16T18:36:00.000-06:00

Well. I think I’ve pretty much used up the entire blog topic. Oh no! Now what in the world can I rant about?

I was faced with an intense conundrum that left me puzzled for days.

Not really.

After all, there are far too many things in the world to hate. One of those things that makes me scream and writhe in horrible pain is something that anyone who knows me could very easily guess.

(No, it’s not hugs.)

This one thing that I hate more than anything is the Twilight series.

Fangirls, don’t hurt me. You see, I have very good reasons to hate Twilight. One of them is that it’s the worst book I’ve ever had the displeasure to read. The others are more reasonable.

Therefore, these next eight days will focus on the Twilight series. I will devote two days to each book: one day to discuss each book, and the second day to post something artistic and insulting about it.

Please enjoy. I’ve been waiting for this week for a long, long time.

I Hate Pointless Bloggers

2008-12-15T19:11:00.000-06:00

You know the worst kind of blogger? The ones that just rant and rant about completely unimportant topics (no, this does not include me). I looked up Top Blogs, and couldn't believe what some people blog about. Parenting for geeks? Exposing liberal media bias? Manhattan gossip?
I tried and tried. Really I did. But I couldn't think of anyone who would read something like that. I understand blogs about politics and important social issues. I understand blogs like PostSecret (I LOVE this idea, but I would never send anything in). Those kind of blogs might even help people.

However, despite the few blogs that are helpful, there are millions that are practically worthless.
This may be one of them. I might not talk about Manhattan gossip, but I don't help people share secrets and accept themselves, either.

I must find a cause.

So what are my choices? After intense thought, all I could come up with is "I'm eating a tasty cupcake". Maybe I could run a charity for cupcakes. Considering the small chance that would be successful, I went to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle instead. Nothing there.

Then it hit me: my cause should be saving the world from everything that shouldn't exist. We're talking country music, Twilight, annoying prejudiced/stuck-up/plain stupid people, bad blogs, and Geometry.

You may think that I'm already doing that (actually, you may not be reading my blog), but you would be wrong. All I'm doing is saying WHY things are bad. I haven't actually done anything to put an end to these blogs. So I had to do some more useless brainstorming. I came up with a few ideas.

Choice One: I could start a charity to ship things I don't like to an island in the Pacific. Or, conversely, I could pretend to start a charity and use the money you send me to plate my toilet in gold.

Choice Two: I could get my readers (I think there's two) to spread the word and help the cause by attacking bad things with apple pies - more American then creme pies. Then they'll get arrested instead of me.

Choice Three: I could suddenly get a lot of viewers, thus getting me a six-figure income from ads on my blog.

None of these are going to happen, because they might take too much time and I'm a dumb, lazy procrastinator. So, inspired by another blogger - he shall go unnamed, but he uses Photoshop on his eyes - I decided to start my own clothing line.

Anyone interested in a "Team Charlie" t-shirt? No? What about "Shoot a Blogger, Save a Life"?

This could be interesting.

I Hate Food Bloggers

2008-12-14T14:42:00.000-06:00

The perfect example of how evil blogs are appeared in my otherwise uneventful life yesterday. As I sat contemplating the air-speed velocity of African swallows, a newspaper hit me in the head. Of course one must read the newspaper they are hit with, so I opened the paper and tried to find the comics. I could hardly believe my eyes when I, trying to get to some worthless relics of comics from the 50's (which will possibly be a future topic), was faced with the word "BLOG". Ah, the irony! Mere days after I begin to spread my hate for blogs, they show up everywhere!
Still.
It gave me some good ideas.

Yesterday, The Tennessean ran an article about bloggers. (You can find it here, if you care at all: "Blogs Feed Appetite for Food Bargains") The one line that drew my attention was the one that mentioned a "concentrated, up-to-the-minute approach". Excuse me? Up to the minute? What are these people doing with their lives? What about their jobs? What about their poor, overworked, lonely wives? What about their emo children crying themselves to sleep at night because they never get to see Daddy?
Because for Zach Brooks, it is now his full-time job.
He gets 120,000 visitors a MONTH. That's absolutely insane. Why do I not have 120,000 visitors a month? Why am I not filthy rich? How in the world can people make a living writing about cheap food?
It's because there is no such thing as a family anymore. No more cooking for your spouse and children in THIS century! No, it's eat-for-under-$10-with-The-Tamale-Lady!

I figured it out again. Oh my, I'm smart.

See, it's about the price. And it's about the convenience. And it's about 'Can my servers speak English?' (well, maybe it's not, but you would think that people could just eat at McDonald's and forget about blogs).

Therefore, I shall begin to make a living telling people where to eat. My three choices for cheap food should get me 120,000 visitors by January. Again, PayPal. Is. Everything.
Number One: Sonic Drive-in. That's an obvious one, right? It's cheap. And there's about 100 million in your neighborhood. Everyone who works there speaks English perfectly (although you can't be sure with all high school students). Warning: do not purchase a wrap. They cannot wrap the wraps.
Number Two: Local Coffee Shops. You don't need food to survive. Just go for coffee. Cheaper then Starbucks, these local places can grind beans as well as anyone. They won't even talk if you come in early enough. And they might have a tasty muffin.
Number Three*: A Dumpster. Forget cheap, this is free. I'm sure you can find one. The food is tasty, if you time it right. Service is perfect! Besides, the mood is lovely for a quiet little date scene if you get in the non-smoking section.

Happy Sonic Man likes Wacky Packs

There you have it. My picks for cheap dining. Enjoy. Checks may be sent via carrier pigeon.

Trust me, you'll be hooked once you start checking my blog 10 times a day.

After all, this IS my full-time job.

*Please don't sue.

I Hate News Bloggers

2008-12-12T13:27:00.000-06:00

Yes, my friends, it's true. The economy is failing, Americans are getting fatter, everyone wants to bomb us, and people are dying all over the world.

What? You've already heard this? How? Could it have been...? No, of course not! Surely you didn't find out in:
1. The newspaper. Yes, some people still read it.
2. T.V. Of course, people still watch it. Note news item 2.
3. Conversations. As rare as they are, they still happen.
4. The internet. CNN, Yahoo, FoxNews...yes, much more common.
5. Or even on a BLOG.

This last one is far too common. Why are newspapers failing and becoming less popular every click of the refresh button? Because there are millions of men and women out there who have every live feed on their computer set to the things mentioned in #4. As soon as the sites update, they've typing away their own versions of the news.

Example: Yahoo reports that "Miley gets Mom's old Porsche for Sweet Sixteenth."
10,000 blogs report "Miley C. receives her mom's old Porsche for her 16th birthday!"

First of all, no one should care about Miley Cyrus. Secondly, this provides a source for people to get their news before the paper is delivered. Then the bloggers add a little PayPal button on their blog. Next thing you know, they're rolling in cash sent in by idiots.

This disgusts me.

Why would anyone pay some fat loser with no day job to tell them things they could learn if they walked outside and talked with their neighbor? Perhaps then Americans could bring back community and learn to take care of our country. Perhaps then Americans could name their next-door neighbor. Or even if they got the paper. Then Americans might know how to read words with over 3 syllables. Then Americans might have something to do in the morning instead of drugs.

Of course, in this day and time, your neighbor might be a closet psychopath. Or worse, they might not look and act like you. Besides, newspapers kill trees and Al Gore says to love trees.

Now excuse me. My T.V. and high-sugar-high-chemical snacks are calling to me, and I have to check The News Blog in 5 minutes.

I Hate Whiny Emo Bloggers

2008-12-11T18:11:00.000-06:00

You know what I hate? I hate every emo kid that has a blog and decides to tell everyone so much crap about their meaningless life. I don't care at all; only their idiotic fangirls/fanboys do. And they're just stupid, lonely, and desperate. One annoying emo blogger that I will use as an example is Alex Evans. After being told how hot he is, by an unnamed source, I Googled him and found his blog.
It made me laugh, then cry for journalism.
McDonald's killed Starbucks, and blogs killed journalism.

One thing I would like to point out about Alex Evans is his eyes. Everyone gushes about how wonderful his eyes are. Excuse me? Hasn't anyone ever seen a Photoshopped picture before? That's so fake. I can make my eyes blue too. Maybe I'm not using Photoshop (takes too long) but it's the same thing.
Look at those blue eyes. I'm just so wonderful.

I've figured out the blogger key to success: don"t use grammar and cApItAlIzAtIoN correctly, don't use correct speling, use the same word 3 times in a sentence 3 times in 3 ways and mention every single thing you did that day, like how I enjoyed a lovely candy cane today which I finished by 5th period when I learned some new math skills which I don't really like doing.

So there you have it.

By next week, I'm sure I'll have a clothing line and be releasing my first LP.

I Hate Bloggers

2008-12-10T18:21:00.000-06:00

Really, I do. They're beyond annoying, and so full of themselves it's disgusting. I can't stand them. However, they're not going away.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This will be a blog about all the things that I can't stand. I will rant rant rant and hate hate hate.
Enjoy.